how god encountered me

Just like many Americans, I also grew up in a Christian household. I grew up with incredible parents, who were intentional with me getting to know who Jesus was, and with that, I began to have an above-average understanding of scripture for my age. However, this did not get me closer to God, rather it made me prideful because I held the mindset that I was 'holier than thou'. In middle school, my church introduced a Bible course that taught the background of each book, teaching core ideas of faith, and essential doctrines, and one of the MOST discussed things of the course was the foreshadows/prophecies of Jesus in the Old Testament. I loved this class, not because I loved Jesus, but to grow my ego and grow in my knowledge and worldly wisdom. Freshman year rolls around, and I am living a double-faced life, deceiving many. My tongue was filled with perverted speech, my heart filled with pride, and yet I still condemned many people for not being a Christian... sounds an awful lot like a Pharisee. This was the time that I started to hear testimonies of God moving and performing miracles in our present time. I was hooked and shocked that God still heals and delivers people. Oh, and the testimonies of other believers where God radically saved them from their dark situations. This brought jealousy into my life, I wanted a cool story. Not because it glorified Jesus, but to add it to my 'accomplishments' as a Christian, to add it to my trophy case. I wanted a testimony so that I could be better than the other Christians around me (Yes, I was incredibly selfish and wicked) Christmas comes around, and I pray a prayer that forever changed my life. "Heavenly Father, I believe that I am such a good Christian, that I can handle any challenge You throw at me. Lord, give me a testimony, Amen." Yes, I challenged God, any person with an ounce of common sense would know that there is no situation where I win. Exactly a week later, I walked into the jail cell of pornography and masturbation, something new. My body felt a rush, but my soul felt dirty and ashamed. This was the very moment when I became a slave to what seemed to be a never-ending cycle of sin, shame, and guilt. I had officially been knocked off my high horse, allowing a way for new residents to enter my heart. The first one to move in was depression (non-diagnosed) which very quickly formed into numbness. I had almost completely detached from my emotions, I had zero empathy, I lacked joy, and laughter had to be faked at school. Social Anxiety was the next to move in. Because of my newly formed addiction, I began to feel transparent, as if everyone I talked to could see right through my mask and see my wickedness and sin. I was frightened, and I wanted nothing else but to run away. These two new residents poured into my problem of pornography, making me feel more anxious and numbed, creating a cycle that brings doom upon anyone who falls into its seductive curse. Amid my internal conflict, a "gift" fell on my lap, and lockdown abruptly started. Allowing me to continue my fake persona of confident, rich, Christian playboy on apps like Snapchat... basically, Andrew Tate before Andrew Tate was a thing. One day, while on a Facetime call with my friend, he invited two other girls to chat, in which I found interest in one of them. I continued to pursue her via Facetime calls and Snapchat, to later find out that she is a practicing pagan witch. When we were on Facetime, I would see these demonic figures on Facetime, and she would talk so positively about them. This brought confusion into my heart, and I asked questions like "Is my God not real?" "I can see her 'deities' yet I can't see mine, is mine fake?" "What is the truth?". Sparking a search in a deep rabbit hole of what religion was true, only to find that all of them had 'truth' in them... so my search was unsuccessful in finding the one true religion. My very last Facetime call with her would be a marking call, she proceeded to cast a spell on me during the call. I immediately felt a 'red alarm' go off within me, yelling at me to run, so I hung up and had a panic attack. The last resident had entered into my heart, and its name was suicide. From that day forth, I would have thoughts of suicide constantly, voices in my head degrading me and tearing valuable things down. Thus leading to an attempt on July 2nd of 2020. It was completely premeditated and calculated, I had nothing to live for. Everything I had tried to attain and grab would slip through my fingers like sand. My life was a wreck and if it continued, I had the idea that I would die sooner or later. So might as well, do it as soon as possible. So I headed to my shed, got the noose prepared and I was ready. But something cried out to a God I barely believed in, "God if you are real, show up because if you don't, I will not be here." He did not hesitate, He instantly gave me a vision where I lay lifeless in an open casket. My parents are on the right, my uncles and aunts are in the middle, and my friends are on the left. God had given me the understanding that all of the pain and misery that I had felt, was multiplied and went to each person in that vision, but then I experienced what had felt like the warmest hug ever. From behind me, a soft yet powerful voice spoke, "I love you, my child." I wept and felt a deep and immense love, however, I was skeptical of whether it was Him or me going psychotic. ( I didn't believe that God can make Himself manifest in such ways ) Funny enough, my family vacation was right around the corner, 3 days after the attempt. Keep in mind, that only my mom, dad, and youth pastor knew about it and they promised not to tell anyone. Anyway, one night it was just my uncle and I just chilling in the jacuzzi, while the rest of the family was inside the Airbnb. My uncle randomly stares intensely into my eyes and delivers one of the most bone-chilling sentences I've ever heard, "God did not want you to die that day." And BOOM! I began to weep, as God's presence was poured out in that place. It was from that day that I was fully convinced that God is undoubtedly real and intimate. The next two years would be the typical shaky Christian behavior, trying to be holy and pursue God, and then falling tragically the next month, to then having a spiritual high the next. I lacked a person to disciple me and teach me the ways of the Christian lifestyle, but the Holy Spirit was faithful and taught me a lot through His Word and Church Services. Progressing to the genesis of my senior year, I got baptized by fire at a Christian camp where I began to speak in tongues (No one pushed me to do so, it just kind of happened) When I got home,  the Holy Spirit lead me to get water baptized which directly launched me into ministry. God placed me as a youth leader in my church and became a leader in FCA, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, which is a club at my school. Although there were quite a few birthing pains in both, God provided the increase in both. I got to see the youth grow physically and spiritually, knowing that they were encountering the Lord and having fellowship with Him in their own lives. God has worked miracles in that youth, teens getting delivered of anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, pornography, and much, much more. I was also participating in events from the Send like the Pre-rallies and Send Week, participating in Unrestricted which the Lord is using mightily to carry the gospel into the schools in Lancaster, and Peters Porch which is a local food drive. I also attended the Jesus Rallies which led a massive Jesus movement in the Lancaster region. These stories are not that I may boast, but to give all the glory to God, because my life is no longer my own but is Christ's. Christ has radically transformed my life and I want others to know the loving God that met me.